(3-4 mins)
This past Monday I was prepping for a sales call and going over possible pricing objections that typically arise - not enough bandwidth, I’m not sure I need it, what if it doesn’t work… and the list goes on and on and as I sat there practicing, I noticed A LOT of apologies coming out of my mouth. It caught me by surprise because A) this was my program. What on earth was I apologizing for? And B) I thought I had truly nixed this behavior but here I was, reverting to old patterns I thought I had outgrown. What I realized in that moment wasn’t just that I still over-apologize, it was that I was treating my boundaries like something to feel bad about and something that needed explaining.
Why do we apologize when saying no? Because a clean no feels exposed. It leaves no room to hide behind reasons or reassurance. And when you’ve been taught, like I have, explicitly or implicitly, that being easygoing makes you valuable, saying no can feel like you’re breaking some unspoken rule.
How many of us have gone to that Auntie’s house out of obligation when we wished we were hanging out with our friends on Saturday night instead? How many times did we have to just go along to our sibling’s piano recital without complaining rather than being allowed some autonomy or independence to do what we wanted? And how often have you swallowed a “no” in order to save face for the family, not rock the boat, or not have to sit through yet another “This is very selfish, I’m so disappointed in you, beta“ lecture? All of us? That’s what I thought.
And the thing is, we don’t leave that conditioning at home. We carry it straight into conference rooms, Slack messages, and lunch tables at work. And this pattern is pervasive across so many cultures, genders, and socio-economic statutes. Actually, the more affluent you are, sometimes the harder it is to say no.
So what do we do instead? Instead of saying no we soften our no so much that it sounds like a maybe. We explain, justify, and cushion our boundaries as if clarity might offend someone.
What’s strange is how automatic it is. The apology slips out before we even realize we’ve done it. I used to think this was about being polite or kind or collaborative. But it’s not. It’s about discomfort. We’re so unaccustomed to be forthright that it sends our nervous systems spiraling. Some of us get butterflies, some breathe more shallowly, some of us start to sweat and so rather than dealing with any of that, we choose the familiar move: we apologize. We apologize if we can’t help, respond immediately or stretch ourselves even thinner. Then saying no doesn’t feel so bad.
The first time I tried not apologizing at work, it felt dramatic. I sat at lunch with my co-workers who I was super comfortable with and one of them asked if I could take something on with them. They were so used to me saying yes to everything, being the quiet go-to person, but I had been working really hard on setting boundaries in therapy and my therapist encouraged me to try it out at work with my small close-knit circle.
Before I even said anything, I got butterflies, I started to feel really hot and I remember thinking, “Omigod, this is it. I’m dying.” I clearly was not but I did convince myself that I was having a panic attack - which I also was not at the time. So rather than gracefully saying, “thank you for thinking of me. It’s not something I can take on at this time,” which I had planned and felt relatively prepared to say, I just said, “Uhhh, no?” It was a question rather than a statement and much less thoughtful than I had intended. Needless to say my co-workers were confused but they graciously just moved on nonetheless.
I explained to them later what I was working on and we were eventually able to laugh about it, we actually still do. I share this not so you can laugh at me too (well, you can if you want) but to let you know that saying no at the beginning is awkward, sometimes clumsy, sometimes inelegant and still very much worth practicing. Old me would have replayed that moment for weeks. New me noticed it, learned from it, and kept going.
Here’s what actually helps:
Notice where you apologize unnecessarily - not the big moments, but the small, habitual ones. The “sorry” that sneaks in before a boundary, the reflex to soften something that doesn’t need softening.
Try removing it once. Just once. No sorry, no follow-up, no explanation. See how it feels in your body. See how the other person responds. Chances are, it will be far quieter than you expect, because most of the tension around saying no lives inside us, not in the room or in the people we’re with. We often assume that clarity will create friction, when in reality, it usually creates relief. People may not love your no, but they understand it. What confuses them is hesitation and what typically invites negotiation is uncertainty. And if you do need to settle your nervous system, which you probably will the first few hundred times, go to your breath. Three deep breaths where you inhale longer than you exhale both before and after you say “no.”
A calm, grounded no doesn’t need to be loud, harsh, or overconfident. It just needs to be complete. There’s a big difference between being respectful and being remorseful. Gratitude can replace apology. Presence can replace explanation.
None of these are unkind. They’re just honest - and who doesn’t love a little straightforward honesty?
I think the real shift happens when you stop seeing no as a rejection of others and start seeing it as alignment with yourself. You’re not saying no to be difficult. You’re saying no because you understand what you can actually do well. And when you think about it that way, that’s not selfish. It’s responsible. It will also have the added bonus of commanding a lot more respect than you expect.
So try saying no once this week and tell me how it goes. I’d love to hear where you’re struggling with this and maybe we can brainstorm a way out together. Drop it in the comments or DM me on LinkedIn, FB or IG. I read every reply.
See you next week,
Minal
👋🏽 Hi! I’m Minal - a Career Success & Leadership Coach for 1st & 2nd gen professionals (immigrants, children/grandchildren of immigrants and professionals of color). I teach you how to translate your hard work into actual words your manager, skip and the C-Suite respect and reward, so your efforts turn into recognition, promotions, and pay raises ranging from $10K-$60K vs. a quick compliment, a pat on the back, and more work to do. All without working harder, finding a new job or pretending to be someone you're not. If you’re reading this and thinking, “Heck yeah… I need this,” reply to this email and let’s explore what working together could look like.
🔥 If you know someone who turns a simple no into a full TED Talk (with apologies), this one’s for them so please forward along. And if you haven’t subscribed yet, join Unmuted here 👇🏽 to get next week’s issue. You don't want to miss it!