(3-4 mins)
Last week, a client shared something with me that resonated hard and I want to share it with you because I think it’s incredibly common. After a meeting last week where they FINALLY spoke up, they shared that they replayed a single sentence in their head for hours. Not the whole meeting, not the big picture. Just one sentence.
They’d spoken up, shared an idea, and then boom, the meeting ended. Everyone moved on. Meanwhile, their brain opened a brand-new tab and refused to close it. Did that sound dumb? Why did I phrase it like that? Should I have added more context? Did they think I was challenging them? Why didn’t I just stay quiet?
If you’ve ever said something in a meeting and then mentally reenacted it like a Netflix series you didn’t ask to binge… hi. You’re not broken. You’re human. And you’re definitely not alone.
I see this all the time with smart, capable professionals - especially first- and second-gen folks like me - who were taught, explicitly or implicitly, that speaking up is risky. Growing up, many of us learned that being “good” meant being polite, agreeable, and low-drama. You speak when spoken to. You don’t take up too much space. You definitely don’t say something that could be misunderstood.
So when you do speak up at work, even if it goes well, your nervous system doesn’t celebrate, it panics - because to your body, visibility feels like exposure. The spiral usually starts right after the moment passes. Your brain starts filling in gaps with worst-case interpretations. Silence becomes rejection, neutral faces become disapproval, and a lack of immediate praise becomes proof that you messed up.
But here’s the part no one tells you: most of that spiral has nothing to do with how you actually came across. It has everything to do with old conditioning meeting new expectations.
At work, leadership rewards people who can speak clearly, briefly, and without apology. But many of us were raised to believe that being safe meant explaining ourselves, softening our opinions, and making sure everyone was comfortable before we were.
So when YOU speak plainly, even once, your brain goes, “Wait… are we allowed to do that?” Cue the spiral.
The shift isn’t about becoming more confident overnight or magically not caring what people think. It’s about learning how to close the loop after you speak.
One small thing that helps: stop grading your performance immediately. Instead of asking, “How did that sound?” try asking, “Did I say the thing I meant to say?” That’s it. No mind-reading required.
Another helpful reframe: notice how rarely you dissect other people’s comments the way you dissect your own. Think about the last meeting you were in. Can you remember exactly how someone else phrased their idea? Probably not. You remember the point, not the delivery. Everyone else is doing the same with you.
And here’s a big one: spiraling doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have spoken. It often means you said something that mattered and you just need more practice. The more you do it, the less you worry and eventually you stop spiraling and start thinking about how to participate more.
Growth is uncomfortable and visibility has a nervous system cost before it has a career payoff. That doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it. It most definitely is.
Over time, the spiral gets quieter, shorter, and less convincing. And one day, you’ll realize you spoke up… and then went about your day without spiraling (like you always wanted to) and that’s when you know something has shifted.
If this made you feel uncomfortably seen, you’re in good company.
And if someone popped into your head while reading this - the one who does great work but beats themselves up every time they open their mouth - forward this to them. They’ll feel less alone and honestly, that’s a gift.
When do you notice yourself spiraling the most? I love hearing these stories.
See you next week,
Minal
👋🏽 Hi! I’m Minal - a Career Success & Leadership Coach for 1st & 2nd gen professionals (immigrants, children/grandchildren of immigrants and professionals of color). I teach you how to translate your hard work into actual words your manager, skip and the C-Suite respect and reward, so your efforts turn into recognition, promotions, and pay raises ranging from $10K-$60K vs. a quick compliment, a pat on the back, and more work to do. All without working harder, finding a new job or pretending to be someone you're not. If you’re reading this and thinking, “Heck yeah… I need this,” reply to this email and let’s explore what working together could look like.
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